I know, right now it feels about as doable as...

getting a Parisian to admit that cheddar is a real cheese.

• Sentences sound like one long unbroken word...

• French people don't stick to the English Conversation Speed Limit...

• They often don't use the words you were taught and, when they do, they pronounce them completely differently...

But you shouldn't blame yourself — here's why:

1. Real spoken French and school French are almost two different languages, and most schools & apps only teach the latter (for some obscure reason). If your goal is to understand living, breathing French people, chances are you've been taught the wrong language.
2. Most teaching methods are text-based, but conversations are pure sound. Even when apps include audio, they show you the spelling at the same time — so your brain naturally takes the easy route: it reads more than it listens, and your ears don't get nearly as much practice as you might think. Imagine learning to swim while clutching the pool's edge...

Let me bring this to life for you. Here are three eye-opening examples that'll make you wonder if French people are secretly pranking everyone.

Psst! Here's the video that inspired this post:

1. Standard Spelling vs Honest Spelling

Did you know? Going on strike is such a central part of French culture that even French letters do it:

• What you see: "les oiseaux" (the birds)
• What you hear: lé-zwa-zo 🤪

That was textbook pronunciation, by the way. Real, everyday pronunciation goes one step further:

• Sentence: Je ne sais pas ce qu'il faisait ("I don't know what he was doing")
• What TV newscasters say: je-ne-sè-pa-se-kil-fe-zè (8 syllables)
• What your neighbours say: shè-pa-ski-vzè (4 syllables 😈)

Some of your neighbours may switch to "TV newscaster speak" when in front of a camera or when speaking to you only. But even TV newscasters drop this formal pronunciation the moment they're off air.

PS - Merci, mes parents, for those endless drives through Greece. Without that perfect blend of teenage boredom and a blank notebook, I might never have come up with 'Honest Spelling'.

2. Library French vs Living French

It's not just pronunciation. Here's how to say "What should Paul and I bring for the pre-dinner drinks?" in two languages 😉:

• Formal French: Que devons-nous amener pour l'apéritif, Paul et moi?
• Normal French: Paul et moi, on doit amener quoi pour l'apéro?

Here, because it's written, you can go back and forth and take time to think. But imagine hearing that phrase unexpectedly in a fast-moving conversation, when words disappear the second they were uttered...

3. Immaculate Fiction vs Messy Reality:

Finally, here's another way writing deceives us: those handy spaces between words? Pure fiction. They don't exist in speaking. Want proof? Read aloud the sentence below with a 1-sec pause between each word:

I. Am. A. Robot. From. An. Old. Science. Fiction. Movie. And. Listening. To. Your. Smoke. Detector's. Low. Battery. Beep. Is. More. Enjoyable.

No, listening to spoken French feels more like this:

That's the thing about spaces – they conveniently tell us where words start and finish. Without them, the only way to make out individual words in an uninterrupted flow of French sounds... is to know them by ear.

Don't cancel your plans in France just yet

Thanks to my secret learning technique that will make you fluent in just 30 days, you will...

Just kidding.

Fluency doesn't happen in thirty days. And there aren't any secrets. Only common sense:

1. Learn the words we actually use.
2. Train your ear on their real pronunciation.

Let's be clear: unlike some online programmes promising 'fun and easy' lessons, I won't sugarcoat it - this isn't easy. 'Easy' is like refined sugar - sweet and addictive, but empty calories.

Like my mum says, eat your veggies first. Walking to the market, picking the freshest ones, and turning them into a meal might not be easy... but you may actually find joy in the process.

And the long-term health benefits are worth it. When you understand real spoken French without subtitles, some remarkable things happen:

• Learning to speak gets a whole lot easier and more natural because your ear has internalised the patterns and grammar rules of the language. Instead of being stuck in your head computing complicated "subordinating conjunctions", you get that sixth sense that makes native speakers say, "I don't know why, but it just sounds right/wrong".
• You get to enjoy French films and shows, picking up cultural knowledge and references along the way... instead of risking to become, as intercultural communication expert Milton J. Bennett puts it, 'a fluent fool'.
• You feel more confident having interactions because you know you'll understand the reply
• You even get to understand group conversations and feel truly embedded in French life... instead of feeling like you're stuck in your own little bubble, disconnected from people.

In other words, you get to enjoy life with the locals, not just next to them.

And that is why I do what I do. To help you walk the path I walked when I moved to the UK and struggled to connect with people... but more smoothly, while avoiding the mistakes I made.

Follow my mum's advice. If you're anything like me, you'll be glad you did.